Saturday, March 29, 2008
Today I learnt this english word that was devaloped from a French phrase. It means the thing you live for and the source of your energy. The reason that keeps you going each day. That phrase is
"RAISON D'ETRE". It made me ponder on what I lived for and I had a fast answer. But then slowly that reason started being invalid as we venture into the later noon. And now, I feel lost, I dont know where to go.
I regret a lot of things I've done, and I vow to learn from it. Keep the leasons of life to myself. I have been too busy trying to please people and put a load on myself to be accepted by others, being what was good in their eyes. As time went by, I slowly lost track of who I was, who I originally am. What happen to the happy go lucky guy? What happen to the cheerful chap? I never doubted the change, because I knew what the purpose of the change was and went on with it, trying my best to live up to the standards set by others. I just wanted to please them and make them proud of me. I wanted to fit in nicely. I am going all out for it, I still am.
But someone hit me in the head, saying "I don't know you anymore." I was dumbstruck, I tried to be acceptable, but then I've went off till I've lost the real me, the reason people befriended me, the reason people wanted to know me. How serious has it been, you ask. It got me really emotionally affected, I had mood swings, I get mad really easily, but cool down really fast at the same time, but my "madness point" was really crazy at time. I'll tell you later. But these mood swings had made others afraid of me, resulting in some people to say things like, "You're really emotionally unstable, like some kind of Schizophrenia!" It was hurtful, it killed my spirits. But then I try to look beyond it, look at the good side. I know I cant measure myself on my own body, on lookers may be right. I may be turning to something crazy. I guess you're right, time to take a break, step back, look what I've got myself into. Know myself, change the bad points. Find myself, do some soul searching.
On to being emotionally down, when I got sad, sometimes the anger turn into hatred and vengence. I have learnt how bad hatred and vengence could be, you want to hurt people. I see how important it is to have self control. I have done things which I never see myself doing, hurting others, people I cared for. Sometimes doing things that are of the lowest value. I said things that came from my heart, things of emotions and not of fact that came from my mind. Whenever I do realise what I've done is too late. Although my conscious mind tells me that I've went off limits in a really fast manner. I cannot pull back what I said or did, no matter how much I want.
Next, to the part of being understanding. Yes, I admit I've tried to be understanding, I did put effort into it. But then my thoughts, my believes and other factors just get into the way. Now I do have doubts that I actually "tried" to be understanding.
I seriously have no other way to explain myself. I know I've went off the line, I may never be forgiven. But I hope to be understood. And I hope I do not end with a bad impression.
I admit, at the worst hours and when you dont even realise, you're learning. Learning and start to be understanding without trying.
For what it's worth,
Sorry( I bet the word has became too common )
silenced at 3/29/2008 02:50:00 AM
