Monday, March 31, 2008
I just made a discovery, well not really. I just found out the powers of meditation. I know kinda late. Should have started using it long ago to have a little more self-control, wish I knew this earlier.
Anyway, meditation, not the religious kind, but just the one to sooth your mind, blank your heavy mind. Having to think too much just make you fatigue, VERY! But then, sometimes it makes you really stressed out. That is where meditation comes it. Where you shut your mind from everything down. More like rebooting it... hahaha
You shut your eyes, and start breathing deeply and exhale for a few minutes, I take around 3 to 4 minutes. When the respiration motion becomes rythmic, you feel this weight coming out from your chest. Once you're done, it makes you feel relief. And clears your mind. But I'm no master. My purpose is to calm my mind at the moment. Who knows, I might just start thinking again 1 hour later... zzzz
But at least I'm trying to prevent myself from any other crazy out brakes...
:D
Be optimistic...
silenced at 3/31/2008 06:56:00 PM
Saturday, March 29, 2008
People say never to give up. But might it also be the only way? Washing off all your hopes, quit going after it. Just stop.
silenced at 3/29/2008 08:06:00 PM
Today I learnt this english word that was devaloped from a French phrase. It means the thing you live for and the source of your energy. The reason that keeps you going each day. That phrase is
"RAISON D'ETRE". It made me ponder on what I lived for and I had a fast answer. But then slowly that reason started being invalid as we venture into the later noon. And now, I feel lost, I dont know where to go.
I regret a lot of things I've done, and I vow to learn from it. Keep the leasons of life to myself. I have been too busy trying to please people and put a load on myself to be accepted by others, being what was good in their eyes. As time went by, I slowly lost track of who I was, who I originally am. What happen to the happy go lucky guy? What happen to the cheerful chap? I never doubted the change, because I knew what the purpose of the change was and went on with it, trying my best to live up to the standards set by others. I just wanted to please them and make them proud of me. I wanted to fit in nicely. I am going all out for it, I still am.
But someone hit me in the head, saying "I don't know you anymore." I was dumbstruck, I tried to be acceptable, but then I've went off till I've lost the real me, the reason people befriended me, the reason people wanted to know me. How serious has it been, you ask. It got me really emotionally affected, I had mood swings, I get mad really easily, but cool down really fast at the same time, but my "madness point" was really crazy at time. I'll tell you later. But these mood swings had made others afraid of me, resulting in some people to say things like, "You're really emotionally unstable, like some kind of Schizophrenia!" It was hurtful, it killed my spirits. But then I try to look beyond it, look at the good side. I know I cant measure myself on my own body, on lookers may be right. I may be turning to something crazy. I guess you're right, time to take a break, step back, look what I've got myself into. Know myself, change the bad points. Find myself, do some soul searching.
On to being emotionally down, when I got sad, sometimes the anger turn into hatred and vengence. I have learnt how bad hatred and vengence could be, you want to hurt people. I see how important it is to have self control. I have done things which I never see myself doing, hurting others, people I cared for. Sometimes doing things that are of the lowest value. I said things that came from my heart, things of emotions and not of fact that came from my mind. Whenever I do realise what I've done is too late. Although my conscious mind tells me that I've went off limits in a really fast manner. I cannot pull back what I said or did, no matter how much I want.
Next, to the part of being understanding. Yes, I admit I've tried to be understanding, I did put effort into it. But then my thoughts, my believes and other factors just get into the way. Now I do have doubts that I actually "tried" to be understanding.
I seriously have no other way to explain myself. I know I've went off the line, I may never be forgiven. But I hope to be understood. And I hope I do not end with a bad impression.
I admit, at the worst hours and when you dont even realise, you're learning. Learning and start to be understanding without trying.
For what it's worth,
Sorry( I bet the word has became too common )
silenced at 3/29/2008 02:50:00 AM
Monday, March 24, 2008
The reason for my state might result in the poor diet I've been having. Lately I only have one full meal per day, and a few snacks here and there. This has a result in deficiency in calcium, i guess. Well, the thing is, it has made conditions worst for me, especially my active lifestyle where I do heaps of sports.
I've been going on this werido diet because I have been getting fatter, but then my weight is actually maintained at a level, just that I wish it would go lower, because I use to be thinner. But no matter how much I dont eat or how much I work out, it doesnt really work!
But I still went on with the eating less solution. Till date, I havent stopped.
Lately has been the season of sports, and I've been running none stop. I'm now a seasonal runner, beacuse I havent got the time for regular training with my crazy schedual going on.
So for this month itself, I have been treated for severe muscle cramps, for both legs. If you guys don't know what it feels like to have cramps, let me tell you. Its when you flex your muscle and it doesnt go back to its normal position when you relax the muscle, it stays in its place, so when you bend your leg, it actually over stretch the muscle, which might result in a tear. Its really unbearable when you dont have someone there to help you put the muscle back in place. Sometimes, it makes you just collapse on the floor, even on the road side where a guy would even scream in agony and might even shed tears, for it is really painfull!
It started out three weeks ago when I was on my training. And it was time trail, so I had to be up to par for the game. Ran my best and then just kept going, although I didnt really go through a proper warm up. On the way back, walking. I knew my muscle was really stressed out and it might cramp, but I continued to walk to my destination. Suddenly I walked on an uneven path which resulted in the sudden cramp. I fell right down to the ground, the pavement beside the road, shouting for my near by friend. As I tried to straighten my right leg, it just made things worst. But then it took like 2 days for it to heal, with me having pain killers and cool aid all over my leg.
The second time was just the previous Wednesday. It was during the green house training. And as captain, I had to do nearly everything, besides playing the games, coordinating people, I had to bring the things in and out. I was busy, but I did do a proper warm up, but a speedy one. When I saw my left muscle, it looked weird, but I went on with it. I did two time trials for 100m and did it with style. it was ok. Until I was sent for long jump. Did the starting dun and jump nicely. Right when I landed, the impact made my left muscle cramp up. And to my horror, there was no one at the other end of the sand pit, just the teacher. He then asked, "You can jump why not join?". I just shook my head as I was busy with my leg. The teacher saw me and said, "Muscle cramp?". I answered with a fast yes. Instead of coming to my aid, the teacher turned around and looked at the people running the 100m. I was shocked, because I needed someone to move my muscle, it wasnt going back to its original position. I was waving my hands to ask friends to come over to the other side of the sand pit, but no one responded. They thought I wanted them to jump. But luckily some people came. At last! But it was a little too late, my muscle was sore and started to swell.
But it was a rapid heal. I had the energy for the cross country run, 8km, which was held on Friday, just 2 days after the Wednesday's cramp. It was Good Friday, which didnt really go so well. We started running, and I was doing well, until the route was going up hill, my muscles started pulling and it harden, it started to burn from the inside, so i decided to walk instead. Until we went down hill, took some pain killers (cream form) from the St. John boys, off I went jogging on the flat land, walking occasionally. I did extremely bad. For my 5th year and last year in this competition, it was by far the worst. Previously I havent got anything more than 40th position. But this year, I landed on the 107 spot! Crazy. So as my muscles cooled down after going through with the run, it started to ache which resulted in a pull AGAIN! This time was my left leg. But it was minor.
After the run, I had plans with my friends, we had to go do some shopping and have a great lunch. Since I havent, none of us, got our driving licence, we had to walk there, after all that, I had to walk back. Upon arriving, I took off my shoe, and OUCH! My right leg crampped! This time it was minor, the muscle did move back after some deep breaths.
But the following two days, my ass and the thighs(both big and small) were sore!
So now, I'm taking calcium suppliments to compliment the glass of milk I drink everyday, going back on a normal diet and taking good care of myself. Hopefully I have a speedy recovery!
silenced at 3/24/2008 01:57:00 AM
Sunday, March 16, 2008
I dont blame that people do change as time goes by. But dont you just had changes to things that you were just so use to :P
Like the fact that you use to love your eggs runny, and now evolution just made that impossible!
The thing that drives people nuts is there is no clear reason to the change. Like the above case. No one had a clear answer of why such an evolution would take place. There may be suggestions from the parties but some just do not appeal to some crowd.
As time pass by, although there is no chances of changing it back. Dont you still want to try, because you just miss the old times. Wont you want to fight for it. Dont you want to eat your eggs runny again?
I miss the old times. I wish you never did change.
silenced at 3/16/2008 03:47:00 AM
I dont get why do some people want to make life so complicating. Is it too hard for them to express themselves that they have to control every single word they say, hoping that they dont put too much affection, emotion, feeling into it? What happen to the life in words? What happen to those sweet melodies you can hear even though it was a reading article and not some fancy literature? Where is the beauty of communication?
I just hope people can start speaking their minds. Why do you want to let your ego take control of you? Dont hold back? If you dont speak, no one will hear you. If you dont get across, no one will ever understand you. No answers you seek will be obtained if you stay silent.
And when you do speak, speak the truth, speak what you really want to say. Not the opposite because of your ego, nor twist it so that people wouldnt get you. Worst yet, you hint people what your point of the conversation is but yet you say it isnt.
Example, you want people to call you, you made it sound like you wanted to talk to that person. And when that person does talk to you, you just rejects that person saying you didnt need him or her.
I believe that one true voice is louder than a screaming crowd! Even a faint voice can be heard from all the rest.
Please. I plea that you dont hold back. Stop using sarcasm to cover up and save your ego.
I am always here to listen to you, listen to what you really want to say. Just say I know that you are not saying what you want to say when I hear it and it is not that I'm "PERASAN"(narcissistic). I just know.
silenced at 3/16/2008 03:31:00 AM
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Plans after plans, I've been trying to make room for my plans which till now, none has been executed, sigh, most of them had to be cancelled, because the main purpose could not be achieved. I'm giving it my top priority. But then my plans had to cancelled mostly due to factors like people cant match theirs with mine. NOW, I'm hoping that will all change as this is my final attempt. Dont you feel sorry that I've been cancelling my plans over and over again? :P
I have been doing a lot of homework, planning, like how long this bus takes from place A to place B. I've been arranging stuff here and there, which has cost me a fortune on phone bills. HAHAHA. SO hopefully all these efforts pay off as I've been throwing my 101% out for a good holiday. My brain is going dry.
But now, I guess I'll make the best of my holiday in Penang. As a true blue Penangnite, there is surely something I'll come up with to create fun.
Haih, my last hope, pray hard people that I'll have a good holiday, and all my secrifice for a good holiday works out! Get your fingers crossed!
Right now, I've been trying a lot of methods to let time just fly by, its just so boring, the holiday is so boring. My mates are so busy. If only God allows me to sleep for more hours, because I find sleeping the faster way to let time go by. Why? Because I always hope when I wake up, a few hours will go by. :D But that hasnt been happening. I get a hard time trying to doze off, but I wake up 30 minutes later. And no DVD in the house has been providing me with an awesome entertainment. I've been looking at the clock from time to time and go, "WHAT? 15 Minutes just went by?"
OMG! Let time go by faster! Why time doesnt slow down when we are enjoying ourselves? Why does it have to speed up at the wrong time! Time has the worst timing!
silenced at 3/12/2008 12:03:00 AM
Saturday, March 8, 2008
I think I'm running out of brain juice trying to plan my holiday, but everytime I get all excited with the master plan, something is bound to happen, kick me off my excitement! And make me all fustrated, but I really wanna have a really good holiday, so I just keep planning. But all the efforts just turn to vain.
Let me count the times I've make amends on the plans so it will suit everyone... 1,2,3.... 7! There, you see, how much time and effort I have made to think up all these. Its not very easy. In the end, all plans have to be cancelled.
Hopefully the plans can be used for next time. Because I really hate the fact that I've tried everything in my power, yet things just happen to disrupt my plans. i just its my fate to stay in Penang island this holiday! I was always so looking forward to the sucess of the plans. Everytime after I planned, I'll hope and wish and pray that it will be executed well. I get all excited and happy. But then one by one, the members of my entourage will walk to the exits, or things just pops up to prevent this plan.
Anyway, Penang aint so bad if I could drive. I just hate staying in Penang where my transport is always the problem. I hate being a year end kid! Talking bout that, since I am not going anywhere this holiday, why not I take the traffic rule test first, save some time. So when I go for my driving practical, I can just go right ahead for it.
So much for all the false excitments of fake surprises. Its really depressing when it comes in a string! But I really can complain, the only thing I can blame is my lousy fate and luck.
sigh
silenced at 3/08/2008 10:00:00 PM
Friday, March 7, 2008
The exam is over and the holidays are slowly creeping in. I wanted to have a feel good time this holiday, but in fact, plans have been crushed over and over again.
The exams were fine, and the results came as a big pay off, I DID VERY WELL FOR SOME SUBJECTS! WEEE. But whats done is done, time to look forward, away from the exam period and into the HOLIDAYS!
Before that, during the exam week, I was rather messy of what was in my head, things that were not meant to happen just did. I was to have a clear mind to study, but being shut out of people's networks were just a great turn down to the mood. They just kick you out, just like that without reason. Although some networks and connections did rekindle, but others just went to the slump! I really do care much about my friends and the bonds, friendship.
Seriously, there is nothing I can do if you want to shut me off or kick me out, but I find it a little unfair. But life isnt fair! I cant justify why I shouldnt be kicked off, but there is no reason for me not trying. Eventhough you make things impossible. But a deal is a deal, a promise is a pormise, I'm just disappointed that you didnt keep it. You know, your words mean so much. But at the end of the day, whose lost is it? Both of us.
LIFE'S A BITCH
But that didnt stop me from obtaining good grades.
Time to spend the next few days in a style I want. Go out have fun, time to vanture into new areas.
silenced at 3/07/2008 11:03:00 PM
Saturday, March 1, 2008
It is the exam week, and it just started last firday. 29/2/08 which only happens once in four years, to those of you who are unlucky or lucky, to have been born on this date. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Why lucky, if you only celebrate once in four years and have a big birthday bash, then you are lucky. If you celebrate alone, too bad, because I reckon you guys should make full use of your "special" birthdays.
Anyway, exam started and it was ok, moderate ok. Yesterday was English, Additional Maths and Chinese papers!
Without really spending much time studying, I think I kinda pull off well. We started the day with English, which was a scoring paper for me. And it went by with a breeze. Next was the Additional Maths paper, I thought it would be really hard, but then my practice has came into good use. It was not bad, counting that I did not freak out and panic and finish less than the time given. After that, when some students were busy discussing questions which they found hard or tricky! I got them right! YAY
Everything would have been smooth sailing, but NO! Chinese paper had to be squeezed into the same day. It was hard. I mean HARD like when you fall on it, it will break your bones - hard. The first passage was crap, I didnt really get the catch, there was one part that went like this, "glass door is not a door, why?" I kinda gave a logical answer but I am not sure is it valid. But I went totally blank at the Chinese literature part! I totally black out! -Britney's Black Out-
I'm surely gonna fail chinese, 100%, everyone said it was hard.
I'm starting to get worried about the other papers because I'm not worried about having not completed my studies... hahaha
But, hopefully I do well...
GOOD LUCK TO ME!
silenced at 3/01/2008 07:48:00 PM
So this is how it all ends? Is this where the journey stops, no more advancements? Never shall I let it end, never. I may not linger around as I use to, but then changes are to be evident, I still want to continue this journey. If we stop it is wasted. Wasted is the time and effort we use amongst us to get to this spot.
Whatever it is, I dont object what you're doing. You have my best interest in mind, I respect it. Even if you shout, you scream at me. May your words pierce through my heart like a serpent's fangs, your words of a serpent's tongue. Let is hurt, let it bleed.
But I never know what tomorrow, the future, holds and brings forth. Whatever it may be, let it come, and if I get lucky our paths may intersect again. Even if we may part ways, I'll never regret you.
-this is a very short post-
silenced at 3/01/2008 07:06:00 PM