Sunday, January 27, 2008
I cant believe the fact that I'm being so Emo, lately.. That is! It isnt 100% me, but too bad, I think I've fet fallen into the bag of emo cases. Friends do sense the change. They know that I've been a little "odd".A silent death it may be, but undoubtedly, life isnt so easily put down, or can it? I feel nostalgic, flabbergasted by what has happened. And yet I cant find a legitimate reason to it. I sit there in the middle of the night, worst, daylight, feeling all lonely and bleeding. Weird, I know I should be doing something, but I havent got a clue. So then loneliness manipulates into traggic graphics... So DRAMATIC!
I know at this state, I'm prone to many things that are bound to make my mind wander, rounding up in saddness. I know this may be a little cookoo especially for a guy, but I'm not afraid of tears. To be honest, every verse of each song does affect my state, SERIOUSLY! I can even curl up in bed, flipping around, walk to a corner of the room, go down on my knees, lay my head on the ground, stare out into the open... and slowly have tears flow down the cheeks. I know its a little too much, but then I know it is my heart, trying to get something across but fail, because it failed, it screams out in sorrow.
The heart burns, it hurts. It bleeds as it cries deep inside. Looking ahead, I cant believe why I cant just slam away everything and be like the others who have "moved on".
Is it hatred I feel, NO... It is not hate, but the sense of losing something, the sense of lonliness....
Nothing can fill/amend what is missing, but only by retriving it back is the only way. Doing this is nothing, it wont bring me any good. But surely, it can put my heart to ease(I think). For now, someone seeks to be alone.. and that person is not me.... Who is it, I wonder...
silenced at 1/27/2008 10:17:00 PM
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Seriously, life is just as it is...School, school and more school...
Nothing more, nothing less...
Sounds boring?
It is, life is just that much..
well, hopefully it isnt, we'll see...
But for now, it is!
Nothing more to add.....
silenced at 1/26/2008 11:05:00 PM
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
After two months of absence, I finally went back to my regular training, running 3 days a week, karate 2 days a week, dance 1 day a week and maybe some jogging in between. Because of the lack of sports during the holiday and the frequent snacks between meals, I didnt realise how much I was growing!Because of the few strainess excercises, I've to encounter a sore arse and limps! Even my abs are burning due to the physical training given by the sensei during karate class....
Thats about it for now... dun have to motivation to write more..
silenced at 1/23/2008 06:52:00 PM
In baseball you have three strikes and you're out. I guess I couldnt last till third one and had to bail out. This strike like the previous one was sharp and accurate, just that this one had a bigger impact and blew me off. I guess the pitcher did hit the jackpot this time.
But even if I was forced to bow out, it doesnt mean it is the end of me. I will stick to the people who have mold me and train twice as harder and come back bigger and better. Even if the time period is long, I'm willing to endure the agony and face the obstacles. I will train hard, make it a 1 year and 9 months course.
When I think I'm ready, filled with the maturity and the capability, I will be then sent out to the pitch to continue my battle. The saga to retain my status does not end here.
For now, I'll be patient and hope that my coach will stick close and believe in my capabilities and not abandon me during the course that will take much more effort than our regular training.
I do have faith in myself, or I think I do... But I need your support... Your cheers to push me further. Don't let the enemy fool you once and make you be afraid to strike out once more.
I hope even with the long hours and the days and weeks, months and years, it wont alter me although, these will do impose changes. It is inevitable
.....................................................................................
In an unrelated event,
I believe I may not be as mature as my parents nor do I have the knowledge like they have. It is sure I defer to my parents because they do prove themselves as wise as I think they are. But to be honest, they do push you to your limits!
Because they think they're way over matured than we are, they can step up and control our lives whenever they want. I do agree that they are allowed to do so with a condition that it is also within our approval and not work things to their belief behind out backs!
Can they talk nicely, ore are they born to be lecturers... lecturers of life... I am your son, not your barbie doll, I may live in the world that you have buildt for me, but why try fitting into it when it is easier to build mine. Who is to blame when I'm a black sheep? Well, the conditions to live in your world.
And you know that the path I choose may not be yours but that doesnt mean I'm throwing away everything that I've got. what you call, " THROWING AWAY MY FUTURE". Like you said, MY future, don't I get a fair share on what it is to become of. Yes, I do need guidance, but that will be valid when solicited. Well, to be honest, am I throwing away my future, or the future you have planned for me.
You do realise that I'm not capable of all the things you put me to. I try, but then I just cant meet your expectations. When will you quit testing me, I'm not your lab rat, once again, I'm your SON! When I cant go through with it, dont force me. When I've did ok, dont try to make me do even better when you know it was my best.
Maybe I am unlucky to have to step up to large footsteps. Large shoes to fill.
I'm not mad or what, I just hope I get a fair share of my life and not live in your fantasy word... but then again, I'm living under you... house rules...
not much I can express, but I'm just going to be me
silenced at 1/23/2008 06:11:00 PM
Monday, January 14, 2008
When you know your predictions are true and that the turn out would be bad, would you take an extra precaution to prevent it? What if you did try, but that story has already been written and is bound to happen and yet you stand there watch as it happen. Lately, I've been feeling the creeps of yester-year in me. Nostalgia.I admit, I'm annoyed by it, I'm sick of it. But then your head speaks for its own, there is not much you can do when you have a wondering brain. Not to mention, when you have situations that keep reminding you of the past that "haunts" you. I cant control what will happen, but to be honest it feels like Deja Vu. I get the creeps that I have gotten so many times. I get the same feeling in several events and they all turned out exactly or similar to one another.
But then again, those moments though sour were not that bad, I would have relived the happier moments. Those are just hopes that I dont really think will happen, and I'm not desperate, crawling on my knees begging for a second chance. I just feel sorry for the counterparts that were involved along the way, those that lost(which includes me) what was good.
Sometimes, it is those little moments that were good, that forces you, tempt you to go into situations that will remind you of those "moments" ending up with nostalgia...
But then again, you cant high from what has happen. And I dont wanna hide, not anymore.
PS: I find this post really complicating, not focused, that is because my mind is astray!
silenced at 1/14/2008 01:39:00 AM
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Although I've never walked around in the desert, but I've heard of stories where people get stranded in the hot brownish-gold desert. Soak in the hot sun. It is said that you can never walk in a straight line because when you walk, the variables like the wind, the glaring sun, and the scenery(all the same) makes you walk tilted either to the left or to the right depending which hand you use to write...In the end, you walk around in circles and end up the same place. Life might be like that, lately I've been walking round and round the same place and ending up at the same spot. And when I arrive at the same spot, I crash and break down because I know I didnt gain anything, never learn a thing, end up doing the same things.
The recent circle I made was a bigger one, ending up back in square one. I believe having to arrive at the same spot everytime, I ought to take a different option, alter my path.. If I used to turn right, now I turned left... I'm tired off walking down the same road, looking and experiencing everything the same way. I want something different, something worth while... I dont want another Deja Vu!
It is time to take a road not taken, build my own path, see to the possibilities and be caution. Changes are not so bad, just make sure it is right. There are risk. As long as you believe in your own capabilities, take that road.
Who knows where you end up, a bold move might end you up in an Oasis in the desert. Something you're dying to find. Wrong turns are opportunities for us to learn. But too much might be annoying and agonising, just look forth and hang on.
why cry over split milk, although time was wasted, it was worth while, in every wrong turn, I can say I learnt a few splender things. I do no blame the variables for me going off track, but I blame myself(sounds familiar? Self-pity or should I say self-hatred), to trust the little voice in my head sometimes is the wrong choice. But then again, I screwed up (who doesnt), if I'm allowed another chance, I'll take it... But that is up to God.. For now, the path lights up that I do an alteration. So now, I'm walking out on myself, walking down the unknown path, walking it on my own.
silenced at 1/10/2008 08:55:00 PM
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
As many of you know, not long as we spread the joy of the new year around. The burden of stepping into the new year creeps and lurks in the corner. Soon after the super short celebration, it is back to school for many of us. It is time to cut the holidays and start the labour!The first week of school was already taking a toll on me, firstly it is because I havent been able to turn the clocks back. Having fatigue set into me every now and then in classes. Piles of work has been given as this is "OUR BIG YEAR" for those of us taking the government examination. Not only homeworks are thrown at us. As the leaders of the clubs, society and other crap in the school. We are forced to go for long our meetings with the other leaders.
It is like the white house where every senator and congressman gather together to plan out the whole year. As for me, I am not left out from that bunch of "forced labour" who control the "school politics". Due to the facct that we only have 24 hours a day, and 6-7 hours are spent in school, the meetings have to be done during classes.
Dang the first week, as some cool, awesome teachers start off introducing themselves and get to know the class. Others are so kiasu, comes in, writes his or her name on the board and starts teaching without further notice. Some of us, who are caught up in the "board room" have to miss those classes and sulk to the fact that we dont even know what had happen and thus cant complete our homework. Worst comes to worst, Slam, POP QUIZ! Dumb test are given to see "how much we have forgotten during the holidays".
Before the first day of school, I prayed hard for good teachers and cool classmates. But when I stepped into class, I felt foreign. I mean I know the people in the class, but then they werent my close mates. Only one of them. The rest are mostly people who walked by my life. Maybe they might make an impact this year for it is their final year to show me their worths! HAHAHAHA
As for teachers, I got the teacher which I think is a complete weirdo.. Use to.... I use to see here, as this really conservative, keep-to-self teacher, who walks with a stare in her eyes as though she knows danger is out there or that judgement day is near. Well, she is not the only teacher like that, she is the second on that weirdo list, there is actually one more that is worst!
To top that, I have the worst dicipline teacher as my Mandarin Teacher. FAR OUT! COME ON! I have to watch out for my hair this year! Who knows, he might snip my hair off anytime during class if he is on PMS! I love my hair!
Oh, another classic news, again, I was appointed monitor/ class president. Out of my 5 years here, I have been it for 4 years... I really don't know what they see in me, but then again I like the uniform, white long pants... unlike the normal students who have to wear ugly short green pants...
How did I know I was appointed even though my name wasnt called out? Most of the time, the teacher will go, "How to read this name, ah?" And most of the time, I know it is me, automatically. Followed by their question, it is slowly followed up by a crowd of students shouting my name. Most of the time they will say it the right way. "shay-mers" but then they might adrift when they think they can have a little fun, calling me "SE-U-MAS". I am kinda used to it, happens most of the time... When the screams and shouts get louder, the teacher will ask who is it and comes over to me and ask me for the correct way to pronounce it. Classic first day of school. :D
So this is just the start of my BIG year.. or thats what they call it.. they as in my parents, family, relatives, teachers and friends that are not in my year...
Well, I still wanna say "KUDOS, to those who made last year awesome!"
silenced at 1/08/2008 01:02:00 AM
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
WELCOME 2008! Last year was a bang, and hopegully this year will be too! The year ended with a moderate splash which is no match to last year's where I danced the whole night with family and friends for hours till I got muscle cramps and they were BAD! But it was a thing to remember...Anyway, since it is the new year, I think everyone should get something new or do something new and fun! I woke up rather late today, what a great way to spend the new year - sleeping. Got a phone call from my cousin asking me out and promise to bring me to the hair stylish. Since the holiday is about to end, I have to go back to having short hair due to school rules, AND, I have dye my brown hair to black! -school rules again- This is my last year, so I dont have to bear with it for long... ZOOM, one year will go by and I will be writting yet another post, similar to this but just that it is "WELCOMING 2009"
Because he said he will be coming so I told mum that he will be coming and I had to skip new year's lunch... I think it is bad to skip the first lunch of the year... you think? But in the end, I did have lunch... Not anything better than what the other family members had :(
I didnt go to my ususal hair stylish as the place was under renovation! Having been there for the pass few years, it is time to try something NEW! Come to think of it, this is the THIRD time I seen the place close down for an uplift!
Went to the place where my cousin planned and got a hair cut. Having been stuck to the same place for so long... A rather commercialised hair saloon, I finally realised how much I've been robbed off my money for hair cuts and other stuff that got to do with hair. I think from now on, I will be changing the vanue where my hair gets done. Change the ZIP code!
From a rather lengthy hair, I finally had it cropped... -ZRRRRRRRRRRRRR- and off went logs of hair. And the final result, I look like my oldself again, the schooling me where hair was short and all. The only thing was, my hair was still dyed. I planned to dye it the day before school reopens, that is TOMORROW~! YIKES!
After that nothing much happened. Everything was about the same... Sigh, another year went by.. that sorta mood... Just that everyone was chilling...
Big year ahead for me... Well, every year is BIG! same 365 days... oh, there are 366 days this year... Yet another extra day for you to do all your stuff, extra 24 hours... To those who always complain they dont have enough time, isn't this good news??
PS: I dont really follow up my new year's resolution, so why bother making any... I always have targets that I set along the way and try to achieve it. So no new year's resolution.. ?FOR NOW?
Cheers to 2008
silenced at 1/02/2008 06:53:00 AM