Saturday, November 3, 2007
Havent been blogging lately,
was too caught up with my exams.. While the exams are in place I had to face other matters that were really distressing. Though I try hard to seek for help or just to get my head in the right place, the books, it just isnt that easy. I know that some of this problems arise from me.
But I'm trying to take it really slow and rationally. I may show my rebellious side but honestly, my feelings has just went numb. It hurts to see the outcome of the rebels in me but and one side, you have the urge to see it.
My mind has been pondering with subjects that isnt tested in my exam. During papers, my mind go blank and there I sat at the desk, froze, I have no idea what happened. A minute I was taken away with the words coming from the paper, then a minute later, I horrified with the images I see in my mind, some were saddening and some were agitating!
It was worst during essays, for all 3 essays, Chinese, Malay and English, it made me think badly. The titles to choose from could relate to the problems I'm having, even though I paused and stare into blank air most of them, I manage to pen down essays that were of pure feelings, may it be hatred, self-pity, self-condemnation, sadness.... It turned into words. Even though the stories do not portray the true side of the story, just untwist the words and you'll see the true darkness of it.
I'm trying to be strong. Trying to take every detail in slowly, I may show that I do not appreciate your every help, but the truth is I'm trying really hard to understand you. You have to know that all these isnt easy for me as much as its for you... You may cry and show it to me, but I to have a soft spot behind close doors. And who ever say boys dont drop tears, that is totally wrong. Just see when people you love have they're backs against you, you'll know how to cry, none of us have ever forgotten how, because that is the first thing we learnt when we came out from our mama's womb.
I'm sorry to some who I've drag into this situation, but I really do appreciate the time and effort you put in on me. I may be subjective, but the truth is I'm taking in every word all of you have been saying. But of course you don't expect everyone to have the same answer, so when I balance all of your advices, I myself get disturbed.
For now, let me get back on my two feet. I know I need to help myself, but give me time, and advice will be needed when solicited.
silenced at 11/03/2007 03:55:00 PM
